As I Rise, Dying

How I lusted after Hal. Hal was the light skinned negro in my school, and I was in love with him, with a secret crush. It never dawned on my a big part of my attraction was because he was a lighter brown than the other children in my school. I must have been in Middle and High school and shy. Huh, to my memory, I was a very keep-to-myself sort of kid. I remember going to the YMCA with my dad, and when we went to the showers with all the adult black men, I had never before seen naked with all their junk hanging out, and I was so scared I started crying, never remembering that my dad was as naked as I was and he didn't scare me at all! I think my dad was embarrassed as we left the shower stall. And then there was this girl Anna in High School; we played: 'Show me yours, and I will show you mine,' and we did, and she said my junk was 'ugly,' but it sounded more like jealousy than criticism. Though I took it to heart, it did little to stop my sexual fun. But what the fuck was wrong with me? And did only little girls keep diaries? I knew I was a little on the 'soft side,' but again, 'All in the Name! But I just wanted to live my life, get what I wanted out of it, and retire in heaven or some other non-existent place where all is quiet, happiness, contentment, love, and light! And most importantly, all the people YOU love and your god and all the people that love you---FAMILY and RELATIVES. Well, what happens when you have a shitty childhood? Your family falls apart, and what is called a heavenly reunion ain't never going to happen! So your years in and years out of a happy ending have come to a halt. TIME FOR MAJOR DEPRESSION! And how depressed, suppressed have I been all my life? As they say, sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I realized I was hypnotized for self-destruction in the name of a better me under the banner of religion, I became the worst sinner in the world or too tired to be! I was a broken man, sad man, a melancholy man, trying to live, and trying to die and trying to stay dead! And let's not mention all the pains and aches that came that made me think that God was punishing me for my sexual fantasy, for I had no sex life and did not want children anymore! It was a program to me, FOR ME! Having children was a declaration of Jah and a commandment of God that was my life goal! The reason I was here. The purpose for my existence was to reproduce ME! This is like the happy story with a great beginning and a happy end, but leaving out all the hell in the middle. The TRUTH never set you free, for you were already FREE in the first place! So what do I find but to have an experience. And what experiences do we take to heaven? What is the good in this world but me? Surely this is not my world. Why do I slave in it? Who makes me work and feel guilty for not doing so? Why must I follow the words of ancient men I don't even know of? Surely, I have been deceived, hypnotized if you will. I'm not waking up; I'm sorry going back to sleep, forever.